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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24258034">Cast Your Eyes to Heaven, You Get a Knife In the Back</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lexicon_V/pseuds/Lexicon_V'>Lexicon_V</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>It's a sad song, but we sing it anyway [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Drabble, spirituality, there actually are atheists in foxholes</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 22:21:10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>794</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24258034</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lexicon_V/pseuds/Lexicon_V</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Cassian and Jyn reflect on how the Force is nothing to do with them.</p><p>Or is it.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Cassian Andor &amp; Jyn Erso, Cassian Andor/Jyn Erso</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>It's a sad song, but we sing it anyway [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1722400</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>17</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Cast Your Eyes to Heaven, You Get a Knife In the Back</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em> And the first shall be first </em>
</p><p>
  <em> And the last shall be last </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Cast your eyes to heaven </em>
</p><p>
  <em> You get a knife in the back </em>
</p><p>
  <em> -The Fates </em>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>The Force never meant much to Cassian Andor. As a child on a Seperatist planet, the adults in his life viewed the whole concept with dismissive skepticism at best and fanatical disgust at worst. The Jedi were among their enemies. There was no place for their mystical absurdities in the Festian underground. And if there really was one pervasive power controlling the fate of the galaxy and guiding it toward balance, it was, by all accounts, doing a shit job of it.</p><p>Later, as an operative for the rebellion, he encountered all kinds of sentients who held any number of spiritual beliefs. He made it a point to know the major tenets of all the most well known faith traditions and several of the lesser known ones practiced on small, but strategically important worlds. Most religions adhered to some kind of black and white version of morality and Cassian found that mindset useful for manipulating certain kinds of people. He could work within the constructs of almost any belief system (including the total absence of belief) to get what he needed out of an asset. </p><p>He acknowledged, somewhat begrudgingly, that it must be nice to think there was a reward waiting after death, whether it was an afterlife in paradise or becoming one with the Force or being given the chance to begin again and right your wrongs. That last one would be his choice, if faith were the kind of thing one could choose. But, faith was a zero sum game, and he didn’t have it. Not like that. </p><p>Cassian, dealt in shadows and shades of gray. He did bad things, but they were for good reasons. If there was such a thing as a soul, he sacrificed his years ago. And if he couldn’t sleep sometimes wondering if his target had a child who loved them? If he ever felt overwhelmed by the amount of collateral damage? If he ever had nightmares after having to neutralize an asset or take care of a noncombatant witness? If he had to live with the weight of sacrificing a few lives to preserve many more? Well, he’d made his choices and this was what living with them felt like.</p><p>He was pretty sure that if an afterlife existed there was no paradise waiting for him there, so it was just as well that he didn’t believe. He would spend his time in this life fighting the Empire and when the fight killed him, as it should by rights, he would simply cease to be.</p><p>----</p><p>The last words Jyn Erso’s mother said to her were, “Trust the Force.” Then she walked away. The Force rewarded her with a blaster bolt to the chest. She could have chosen to stay with Jyn, but she didn’t. </p><p>The last words Jyn Erso’s father said to her were, “I love you, Stardust.” Then he walked away with the man in the white cape. He didn’t fight, he didn’t die, he didn’t even protest. </p><p>The last words Saw Gerrera said to her were, “Hold the line, keep fighting.” And Jyn, molded in his righteous image, fought to the last and waited days for him to come back. </p><p>She trusted her Mama, she loved her Papa, she fought for Saw Gerrera and in the end they left her anyway. They didn’t help her, they didn’t fight for her. Why should she trust what they trusted? Why should she love what they loved? Why should she fight what they fought? </p><p>She promised herself that she wouldn’t trust or love or fight for anyone but herself. Not anymore.</p><p>What she <em> did </em> trust was the feel of truncheons in her hands and the reliability of a vibroblade in her boot. What she loved was passing through a checkpoint with a set of flawlessly forged scandocs. What she fought for was something to eat and a place to sleep. </p><p>And if she fell asleep gripping her mother’s necklace every night, it was just a habit. And if she chanted <em> help me help me help </em> in her head when she was arrested, it wasn’t a prayer. How could it be? Who or what was even listening? She was just thinking. And on the nights in prison when Jyn’s body and soul both trembled and she wished to die, if she dreamed of her mother? If she drank in the sight of her, felt buoyed by her words? Well, that was just a dream.</p><p>Life hadn’t been kind to her and likely wouldn’t last much longer. Her mother believed that all souls returned to the Force, but Jyn just wanted to rest.</p>
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